My Wish list…

Christmas is here. The new year is coming. Here is my wish list. If I don’t get all of this within 30 days, the world will come to an end. Save the world! Get me these stuff:

• Barnes & Noble Nook
• Nexus One (yet to come, you can just give me the cash for it)
• A planet to my name, preferably far from this solar system.
• Dell Adamo XPS, its blooooody thin!
• BuckyBalls, who wouldn’t like a pile of magnetic metal balls?
• This gold coated PS3 from here.
• A pet T-Rex
• A year long supply of rasmalai and daal khichdi
• God of War 3: Ultimate edition: i need a second copy
• Velocity Micro Gamer’s Edge DualX desktop: this machine rapes benchmarks.
• 10 licenses of Unreal 3 Engine
• A publisher for my book: The Zombie’s guide to get a girl
• A white PSP Go
• Razer Mamba
• A set of shurikens and a shiny long katana
• Anything good you can think of

The future is in your hands, errr.. wallet. Save your future. Your kids will thank you for it.

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A day without the internet

On a normal saturday night, I had an abnormal idea. Spending a day without internet access. At first the thought horrified me, but it sounded kinda fun. So I sent a SMS to deactivate the data connection on my phone and turned off my wireless router. Theoretically, I am now cut off from the internet.

8:16 am: Just got up and was shocked to see only two sms on my phone’s notification bar. No emails, no IMs, no new wave conversations. Going back to sleep.

10:34 am: NewsRob (my google reader client) doesn’t have any new feeds. Missing the luxury of reading news feeds while brushing my teeth.

10:39 am: Switched on my desktop. There are a couple of programs screaming about internet access already.

10:43 am: Started UT3 and realized my biggest loss here: no online play. Will play against the AI.
Update: The AI is dumb. Except at godlike. The bots go hunting for you like you have a million dollar bounty over your head.

11:25 am: My girlfriend called me. She was wondering if I was invisible on gTalk. I told her my story. She thinks I am trying to avoid her. Nuts. Why are girls so weird?

12:20 pm: I’m hungry! Tried a voice search for a local pizza joint. No results. Turns out Android uses the internet for almost everything. This is kinda bad.

1:03 pm: Facebook and Twitter still send sms updates to my phone. Looks like one can never be totally off the internet.

1:36 pm: Had awesome lunch with a serving of ice-cream to finish it off. Want to tweet about it. Or maybe a status update on Facebook. Oh I miss the internet so much!

1:58 pm: Playing Tekken Dark Resurrection on the PSP. Missing online play again.

2:45 pm: Wikipedia! It is such an indispensible tool. I miss the convenience of anytime access to Wikipedia. Reminder to self: donate to Wikipedia when i go online again.

4:10 pm: Movie time: Again, i miss the convenience of checking movie ratings and booking tickets thru my phone. And my girl is boring me to death. Wish I could escape to Mars. Do they have internet there?

8:20 pm: My iPod is also complaining about no internet access. So is my girl. She wants to check some stupid site.

9:26 pm: Just noticed that no internet means really good battery life for my phone. Almost 80% juice left. Otherwise it would have been screaming for charge by now.

10:10 pm: Will turn on the internet in about an hour. Why am i feeling so excited?

11:23 pm: Turned back the data connection on my phone and switched the router on. Feels so good!

11:28 pm: Information overload! Shitload of emails, IMs and other stuff. Over 200 news feeds. Phew.

12:02 am: Confession: It felt like the longest day of my life. I am sort of over dependent on the internet. Going to sleep now. Will post this later.

This is Tuesday. I forgot to post it. Shitloads of work. Posting now.

Posted from my iPod

Motion controls for gaming? Huh!

It will be a sad day for me when the primary control scheme for all the consoles turn out to be motion controls. Why? I could write a book full of reasons.

• Games using motion controls can’t be played for long time: they will destroy your arms and eat your soul!
• Motion controls are just not precise enough: imagine trying to pull off a headshot using a wiimote.
• You look stupid: that weird look on your face while playing a game is already bad enough.
• Long combos? Pulling off a hadouken while jumping? Way too complex for a motion controlled setup.
• Motion conrolled games are gay.
• Traditional setups are just too good: what would you prefer – pushing a button to jump or jumping for real?
• You can never be fast enough: see that ultra cool chun-li’s high-n-low kick combo? Try doing that in real life.
• You won’t be able to boast about it: because motion controlled games are so simlpe, even your grandma will laugh at you as you get owned by her in some stupid game.
• Games will be simple: because you can’t use complex input mechanisms, the developer will be forced to design a gameplay that is simple.
• Will it be portable? I seriously hope it doesn’t turns out this way: imagine stupid looking people kicking and knocking people on the road!
• Destruction it invites: you will probably destroy everything near the console and the tv and hurt people passing by while you play virtual boxing or tennis.
• Motion conrolled games are gay.

For me, the only part of motion i want while i am playing a game is the rumbling of my controller. That’s it. No more stupid hand waves or anything. I can rejoice as i sit on my bed and tap out awesome combos in God of War or dominate people in TF2. And while Microsoft’s project natal and Sony’s wand thingy will make games accessible for more people, it will also dumb down the games in the process. Want to make the game better? There are always other options. More innovation. Stereoscopic 3D, better sound and graphics, better gameplay, more content and more gameplay, and most important: more FUN.

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I miss my CRT monitors!

Ok, so I upgraded my bulky old monitor to a shiny new super sexy LCD, but I end up missing quite a few things. You see, now that I have upgraded my CRTs, I don’t know what to do with all the extra space. The main problem I have is now that there is too much open airspace either in front of or behind my new monitors. When I used my 17” CRT monitor, I knew I needed to have a reasonable amount of space on the desk to accommodate the devices. But the majority of computer desks were designed keeping in mind the right face-to-monitor distance ratios so that where exactly at the right distance to view them comfortably.

But now these fancy new LCD monitors don’t take up any space. I sometimes find that the monitor is too far away, because it closer to the back of the desk. And if I push the monitor back, what am I going to do with all the empty space in front of the monitor? I can’t really put anything there because it’s going to block the view. And if I move the monitor closer, I have all the empty space behind the monitor – space that has no real value for shelves or anything else.

What have I gained?

Sure, LCD monitors are sexy to look at, but where am I going to put my cap? At least with CRT monitor, you could keep your unreal tournament figures on the top. But there is no space on the top of a LCD monitor, they are so bloody thin! Now my desktop is a vast sea of unproductive open space, and unless I cut my desk into half, I’m stuck with this awkward setup.

Seriously, what were the engineers thinking when they designed the LCD monitors? Obviously not the end user. And what am I going to do when I will get myself a 48” LCD TV? Yes, I would be able to mount it on the wall, but where the hell will I place my beloved game posters?

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Your computer has a sense of humor!

Ok, so you thought that your computer was just a dumb electronic box. Well, you may be wrong (if you are a linux or unix user). Here are a few outputs that your unix or linux machine will give if you input the following commands:

The C shell

% rm meese-ethics

rm: meese-ethics nonexistent

% ar m God

ar: God does not exist

% “How would you rate Reagan’s incompetence?

Unmatched .”

% [Where is Jimmy Hoffa?

Missing ].

% ^How did the sex change^ operation go?

Modifier failed.

% If I had a ( for every $ Reagan spent, what would I have?

Too many (’s.

% make love

Make: Don’t know how to make love. Stop.

% sleep with me

bad character

% got a light?

No match.

% man: why did you get a divorce?

man: : Too many arguments.

% ^What is saccharine?

Bad substitute.

% man woman

No manual entry for woman.

% %blow

%blow: No such job.

% (-

(-: Command not found.

% sh

$ PATH=pretending! /usr/ucb/which sense

no sense in pretending!

The Bash shell

$ drink <bottle; opener bottle:

cannot open opener: not found

$ mkdir matter; cat >matter

matter: cannot create

Do you still believe that your computer is and idiot box? (Windows users: your computers are dumb, just because of windows, accept it).

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Have you ever seen a keyboard like this?

Okay, so you know about all the outstanding keyboards – right from the Razer Tarantula to the ridiculously expensive Optimus Maximus. But this keyboard will surely knock your senses off. I can guarantee that won’t come across a keyboard like this ever. This Das keyboard (I stumbled across the page) claims to be a “keyboard that clicks”. It’s specialty: it’s BLANK. Yes, you read it right, it’s blank: no labels on the buttons – you don’t have anything to look at the keyboard. The reason they quote for this “Like on a piano, since there are no keys to look at when typing, your brain will quickly adapt and memorize the key positions”. And they claim that within a few short weeks users increase their typing accuracy and find themselves typing up to 100% faster.

It’s priced at $79.95. So if you are a keyboard warrior, go ahead and buy this keyboard. And if the prices seems a bit (or more) steep to you, I have a trick for you. All you need is your trusty old keyboard, a pair of scissors, and sticky tape. Next step: cut pieces of tape as per the size of buttons on your keyboard and cover the buttons. Boom! You own personal hand created Das keyboard (or whatever you want to call it) is ready. Cheers!

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Best Geek Pranks

April 1^st is upon us – it’s the April fool day. And it’s the perfect day to show off your geeky skills by playing some geeky pranks. Here is the list of the coolest geeky April day pranks:

1. The easiest and perhaps the oldest one: take a screenshot of the victim’s desktop and apply it as wallpaper. Then hide the desktop icons (right click on an empty area on the desktop – arrange icons by – untick show desktop icons). Don’t forget to put the start menu bar to auto hide as well.
2. Install the BSOD screensaver (the nasty blue screen of death you got when your system hanged) on the victim’s pc. It’s a free download from Microsoft (http://technet.microsoft.com/en-us/sysinternals/bb897558.aspx). Your friend will go nuts.
3. Download the cracked lcd wallpaper and set it as a desktop background. Hide the desktop icons and set the start menu bar to auto-hide.
4. Install VNC on your friend’s computer and then remote control his pc. Then disable the taskbar icon of VNC and have fun controlling his pc remotely as your friend scratches his head ion confusion.
5. If your friend uses an antique ball mouse, just hide the mouse. It sounds far too simple to actually fool anyone, but you’ll be amazed at how long people will curse and slam their unresponsive mouse onto the desktop before actually flipping the thing over.
6. If your friend has an optical or laser mouse, just stick some tape over the sensor and watch the mouse movements go haywire.
7. Use the autocorrect feature of MS Office. Try adding substitutes to commonly used words or the name of the person who uses the system (It would be really funny if someone types his name and sees something like Mr. Dumbass on the screen).
8. Switch the keyboard layout to Dvorak. This will change the layout of the keyboard to an almost alien layout. To switch a keyboard layout in Windows XP, go to the Control Panel (make sure it’s in “Classic View” mode) and click on Regional and Language Options. Under the Languages tab, view Details. Click on Add and find “United States-Dvorak” in the list. Now you’ll see Dvorak show up in the drop-down menu of default input languages. Choose it and click Apply. Mac OS X is much easier: Go to System Preferences, click on International and select the Input Menu tab. Click the checkbox next to Dvorak. You might also check “Show input menu in menu bar” at the bottom of the window. A tiny icon menu will appear in the top right corner (next to the clock), allowing you to switch between keyboard layouts with a single click.
9. If the Windows Messenger Service is active in your environment, write a small batch file that will broadcast a message to a colleague a few hundred times using the “net send” command. Then, watch in amusement as the target keeps on clicking OK on the hundreds of message box that appear on his screen. (Don’t forget to disable your Messenger service after; the victim will likely want to play the same trick on you!).
10. Another simple trick: switch the keyboard and/or mouse cables or two nearby or back to back pcs. And then watch the fun!
11. Modify commonly used desktop shortcuts (like that of MS Word) to point to some objectionable site. Or set them to shutdown or restart the system. Here’s how:

    First: choose a program your coworker/friend uses often. Back up the icon somewhere.

    Right Click on Desktop

    New > Shortcut

    For target type “shutdown -s -t 00 -f”

    Type the name of the program you chose (e.g. Microsoft Word)

    Finish

    Right Click on shortcut > Properties

    Change Icon > Choose icon of chosen Program (e.g. If you chose Microsoft Word the path would be “C:\Program Files\Microsoft Office\OfficeXX\WINWORD.EXE” Where XX is the number based on the version of Office)

    You can also copy the comment of the original icon to the shutdown button, so it is even more unnoticeable. Warning: this will cause the victim to lose ALL unsaved changes.

If you have ideas for more pranks, feel free to add them to the comments. Have a happy April fools day.

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My business plan

Hello everyone!

First, accept my thanks for wasting your energy and time by visiting my blog. I have a business plan. You may ask “what’s special about this?” Just read it and you’ll know what’s special in this plan.

The plan is simple. There are many persons who commit suicide every day. My idea is simple: Before committing the “ending my own life” task, come to me, get your suicide registered. Registration costs just Rs. 10,000 (discount offered if there are bulk orders), and then die peacefully. However, if afterwards you feel that your suicide is wasted, i.e. you are not satisfied with your death, you will get Rs. 20,000 returned in cash! Tremendous benefits! Yeppie! Register NOW!